Sometimes you can smell the ‘terrible’ on someone right from the off.
Other times the vile parts of their character take a little longer to ooze through the cracks.
This means that sometimes, you jump into bed with someone before you know for sure that they’re a decent human.
And by this point, you’re too off your tits on pheromones to acknowledge that the person you’re bumping uglies with is the worst human being you’ve ever met.
In a world where dickheads are seemingly loitering on every street corner, it can be hard to distinguish the winners from the sinners.
How are you supposed to know whether they’re sent from heaven or whether they spend their evenings festering in shadowy lairs, plotting increasingly heinous ways to make those they’re sleeping with feel bad about themselves?
Here are 12 sure fire signs that the address of your latest squeeze is likely to be Terrible Humanville.
1. They don’t treat your body like a (sexy) temple
First things first, unless the person you’re boning is prepared to worship at the sparkly altar of your naked form, put your clothes back on, throw up a peace sign and get the hell out of there.
It can take years to shake off mean comments about your body – don’t stand for them.
You’re beautiful. Simple.
2. It’s all me, me, me
Are you actually enjoying the sex?
Are you sufficiently ‘warmed up’ before the deed is done?
Does it kinda feel like you’re just a faceless tool in their sex-box?
Granted, sometimes we all like to lie back and receive pleasure – but every time? No sir’ee.
Good lovin’ is all about mutual enjoyment and mutual effort.
If you’re sleeping with someone who is clearly only thinking about themselves, it’s time to find a lover who takes pleasure in your pleasure.
3. Lack of respect
There’s nothing that sucks the fun out of sexy time quite like sleeping with someone who has no respect for you or your boundaries.
Mutual respect should be present in and out of the bedroom. They should value your time, your opinion, and especially what you say yay and nay to.
If your bedmate doesn’t respect you, don’t waste precious time and energy trying to prove to them all the reasons why they should.
The last thing you want is to stop respecting yourself because they can’t be bothered to extend you the same basic human courtesy.
Respect yourself enough to know you deserve more.
Aretha knew what she was talking about.
4. They trash talk ex-partners
We all have a past. We’ve all made mistakes, acted like dicks, and been treated in ways we’d rather forget.
It’s part and parcel of navigating the murky waters of the dating pool – sometimes you encounter angry crabs (in more ways than one).
If the person you’re sleeping with speaks badly about past squeezes, it doesn’t bode well for them being a Grade A human.
It’s one thing to bad mouth your ex to your mates over many pints of wine – it’s another thing entirely to slag off ex-partners to the person you’re currently diddling.
5. Refusal to wear a condom
‘It doesn’t feel as good.’
‘I can’t do it with a Johnny on.’
Well, boo hoo hoo.
Whatever tripe your lover is spouting, nothing is worth being put at risk of STDs or pregnancy, and if they’re cool to expose you (and themselves) to that, it’s time to say buh-bye.
If your bed partner shudders at communicating about sexual safety, back away slowly and go find someone capable of interacting like an adult.
6. They’re selfish
Selfishness is an abhorrent characteristic.
If the person you’re shagging constantly puts their needs before yours and seems hell bent on milking everything they can out of each of your encounters, they’re never going to make you feel anything other than unloved and under appreciated.
A good person wants to do things for the person they are with – not just greedily lap up all the love and affection you give them.
Beware of those that suck you dry and keep hunting for someone that wants to give back.
7. They’re easily offended
We’re all human – it’s not possible to hold in every fart or to control all outputs of bodily fluids.
When you’re slamming things in and up another human, sometimes surprises occur. And sometimes they are less than sexy.
You should be able to laugh about these things.
If someone makes you feel bad about something you can’t control – chances are they’re a rotten egg.
Drop a couple of human stink bombs and exit their bedroom quick smart.
8. You feel degraded
Many enjoy a playful spank or a consensual spot of throat grabbing when the moment takes you, but anything that leaves you feeling degraded is a firm No-No.
Violence, name calling, humiliation. Do not stand for it.
Any action that leaves you feeling degraded, that you didn’t explicitly ask for or agree to, should be taken as a huge klaxon going off next to your ear telling you to about heel and flee the scene as fast as your legs can carry you.
9. Zero affection
Sure, some of the best sex is animalistic, but if the person you’re sleeping with refuses to shows you any affection, chances are they’re not a winner.
Sex is the most intimate thing you can do. If you’re left feeling starved of affection, or like you’ve been used – listen to your instincts. They rarely lie.
If the person you’re getting naked with doesn’t want to be sweet to you and make sure you’re having a nice time – ask yourself what are you really doing this for?
10. Hit it and quit it
If your lover is all wham, bam, see ya later, and that’s an arrangement that leaves you feeling bummed out, it’s high time you called it on the sexy stuff.
Sex should make you feel on top of the world. Not as though you’ve been used and dismissed.
11. They lie to you
Are you being lied to? If so, you don’t need that noise.
If the person you’re sleeping with has no qualms with looking into your baby blues and telling you a bare faced lie, you need to brush aside this bad human immediately.
People who lie are the worst. If someone lies once, they will lie again.
Don’t expose yourself to a life full of uncertainty, worry and wondering – it’ll eat you up inside.
The problem with masters of manipulation is that they’re hard to spot.
Warning signs include guilt-trips, assumptions about you and what you’re ‘up-for’, and telling you ex-partners used to willingly do what they’re asking of you.
If someone’s doing their best to make you feel as though you owe them something…we suggest you stop sharing your duvet with them immediately.